Crafts for Cat Ladies in Training

This has to be one of my favorite “spin” descriptions of a Forever 21 garment, ever.

Crochet Knit Shawl: $15.84

“Snag granny’s style with this tiered crochet shawl.”

Man, oh, man – if I had a nickle for every time I rifled through my grandmother’s closet looking for something to wear on a first date.

I can smell the old lady funk coming off this thing through the computer screen. It looks like the product of a junior college class called, “Crafts for the Forever Alone” or “Crafts for Women who Have just Plain Given up and said ‘Fuck it. I’m just going to be with my cats.'”

Well, let me tell you something – don’t kid yourself, even CATS would you judge you for wearing this. Especially cats.

Forever 21, Hiss.

Forever 21 is Too Cool for School

After yesterday’s very interesting research into the religious crop top rantings at Forever 21, I was heartened to see the retailer doesn’t have it all wrong when it comes to messages on t-shirts.

i ❤ School: $13.80

Given the high rate of unemployment in this country, it’s so nice to see Forever 21 making a positive, non-judgy wudgy was a bear declaration.

Especially after their fiasco with the “I’m Too Pretty to Do Math” magnet a few months ago, which had much of the general gal public up in arms for perpetrating stereotypes in the girl community which steer so many bright, beautiful young ladies away from focusing on da maths.

Imagine how refreshed I found myself to see this, then, after so many Jesus and God shirts. If they made this top, surely Forever 21 couldn’t be all bad.

Then I turned it around.

OH.

OKAY.

‘Cus it’s so cool to not like school. It’s so cool to worry about chronic unemployment because you hated school so much and were “too cool” for it. It’s totally cool to have not learned your lesson about creating accessories and clothing that pray on the inexplicable need for young girls to try to dumb themselves down to be more appealing to young boys. It’s so cool to trick me into thinking you love AP English and learning just as much as I do!

Forever 21, Are You Still Going to be my Lab Partner?

(Probably not…)

The 11 Items Helping Forever 21 Sell Their Religion

We all knew this day would come.

The day when the ultra-religious views of Forever 21’s owners crept out from under their signature yellow bags and onto their shelves.

They’ve always had a penchant for crosses. A sizeable chunk of their accessory stock is crosses. Bedazzled, jazzled, rhinestone dipped and covered in colorful bling, but crosses none the less. Not a biggie. Madonna, anyone?  But on my most recent visit to the Glendale Galleria’s Forever 21 store and then again while browsing their online catalog, I noticed a disturbing trend in the graphic tees. Some were just hinting at a shadow of religion, which I’ve seen before from them, but NOW? Now there are items going Holy balls to the wall with tops that have what reads like  scripture on them.

Faith Knit Tee: $9.00

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Jesus [Heart] You Top: $9.00

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Holy Fringe Tank: $13.80

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Jesus [Heart] Me Crop Top: $12.80

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God Cropped Burnout Tank: $13.80

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Cropped Thank God Burnout Top: $17.80

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Price/Name unknow – A reader from London sent this in.

I left out the numerous tops with just crosses on them (bedazzled, bejewelered, drag-queen-like crosses) because I thought it would probably be repetitive, but I believe this is a good sampling of the Christian clothing crusade.

In itself, standing alone, the phrase, “Jesus Loves Me” or the word “Holy” splattered across a cheap crop top and worn by some pre-teen Bible thumper doesn’t bother me. I don’t care about your religion. That is, until you use it to make me feel uncomfortable or in a way I think may be preachy.

That’s where THESE tops comes in:

Yours Eternally, God: $13.80

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Pray: $14.80

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Three Words: $14.80

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God Will Guide: $14.80

Amidst the forgettable crosses and Jesus love, THIS stuff jumped out at me, tapped me on the shoulder and whispered, “You are no longer in a store. Welcome to the Sunday morning service you did not sign up for. Now get to prayin’ sinner!”

So, how do you feel about this? Are you alright shopping for deals with a side of Lord and Savior or do you believe in separation of Church and Style?

Forever 21, WTFWJD?

Sweatin’ to the Oldies

**TO GET THE FULL EFFECT OF THIS POST, PLEASE PLAY THE EMBEDDED YOUTUBE VIDEO WHILE READING.**

As much I know we all love fashion magazines, with their fanciful photo shoots and designer eye candy lineups, they’re also tinged with a little bit of insanity.

Yeah, sure, everybody looks flawlessly perfect when they come out of a pool. None of us have ever looked like a cat, brought near to the point of death from drowning, when we pop out poolside after landing a sick canonball.

But of all my favorite photo shoot fun times jollies, the faux workout shoot has got to be my favorite and the one with the highest saturation of insanity. You know the one – where the models are lifting weights, doing a workout wearing sky high Louboutins, chunky rings and perfectly place beads of beautiful sweat across neon colored  lips.

And what better way to take advantage of Forever 21’s recent neon gym wear craze!

Easy to recreate, right?

Easy as fucking PIE.

Top: Forever 21 $13.80

Leggings:  Forever 21 $15.80

Shoes, Determined Intense Workout Face, Flared Nostrils: Mine

Shake Weight: $19.95

Eye ( and leggings ) of the tiger.

When you’re about to run 20 miles, swim the English channel and punch Pipa Middleton in the face in wedge heels for your workout (as I did, right after this photo was taken) you’ll want to stretch. I encourage all of you, before you partake in a vigorous, sweaty, mesh and pleather legging workout to, please, make sure you are limber.

Forever 21, Welcome to the Limit.

Halloween Costumes are Coming Early

WHAT

THE

FUCK

Shorts: $Unknown

Now, I like Halloween just as much as the next girl. I even enjoy the vast variety of slutty, adult themed Halloween costume outfits ladies wear in the last night of our cool Octobers. I partake in the sexy Halloween costume outfit wearing as well. Last year I marauded up and down the West AND East sides of Los Angeles costumed as the bustiest damned girl scout on planet Earth.

But come on. Forever 21, isn’t it a little early to be stocking tan pleather booty shorts with a lace-up front? It’s barely August!

To be fair, they were just featured as a tease in the photoshoot for this generic flanel shirt, but bitch please. You can’t expect to trot out nonsensical ass coverings such as this and have no one inquire about them. It’s just not done. This, the tribal trends and a whole host of very costume outfit inspired accessories has got me ITCHING for skanky costume ideas. And when it comes to an excuse to get crunk, go pre-court order FourLoko and bare some sweet T&A, you can’t do better than Halloween.

Look for a full-blown costume outfits post in the coming weeks.

Forever 21, Trick or Treat.

Same WTF, Different Day

Yesterday I took a break from my regularly scheduled cave dwelling existence and ventured out into the belly of the neon beast that is Forever 21.

It took all of 30 seconds and three steps inside the store before I came face to face with my own personal tribal nightmare.

Which I promptly purchased.

Top: Forever 21 $17.80

Leggings: Forever 21 $10.80

Heels: Nine West

Drink it in, lovelies. This is what REAL WTF looks like.

You may all remember the leggings from a previous post about Tribal Trend Tragedies. The top is a new edition, although well deserving of a tragic title on its own.

Despite being 100% pure “suedette,” the fringe was quite disappointing. It just didn’t flow, didn’t MOVE the way I’d hoped.

So I did that cool model trick when they jump in the air and everything looks fluid and amazing … only I did it SLIGHTLY less gracefully.

Okay, fuck, A LOT less gracefully.

Looks like the Wicked Witch of the Southwest.

Forever 21, WTF?

Chief Pendant Necklace

OK…

Chief Pendant Necklace: $4.80

There’s been a little bit of talk recently about our generation and it’s use of the phrase, “THAT’S RACIST!” as a comical, memetic type take on the absurdity of actually calling someone racist whenever they display the slightest bit of prejudice toward anything, ironically or otherwise.

But let’s look at this necklace and pause for a second to consider how Jesse Jackson would react to seeing an accessory with a little pendant of an African fellow wearing a bone through his nose grace the digital pages of Forever 21’s catalog of crap.

I’m not saying this personally offends me but one of the few things that does get me to arch my back and hiss IS genuine racism and bigotry. Again, not saying I think this cheap looking, inexplicably unnecessary to life and the world necklace comes from a biggotted place. I’m just sayin’ …

Forever 21, THAT’S RACIST!

Reader WTF

Reader Ashley writes:

“So, I’ve always been pretty successful with my online purchases (except with the occasional: “okay, guess I’ll be wearing this short-ass dress as a tunic!”)  Except for this purchase…….now, in F21’s defense, the dress was called “Silk Leopard Dress”….but from the online photos, it just looked like a large leopard/camouflage-type print.  When I received the dress, my jaw dropped and I was so embarrassed this dress was in my hands!”

Oh, hey, that’s not so bad, what is she talking abo…

OH.

It’s like garanimals for adults.

I could just imagine wearing this to work belted over leggings or skinny pants and having someone ask the inevitable, embarrassing question, “Are those…. are those… leopards?”

Forever 21,

What Not to Wear on Your Fantasy Date with Ryan Gosling

You’ve seen them.

We’ve ALL seen them.

And if you saw “Crazy, Stupid, Love” Friday, you definitely saw them.

I’m writing, of course, about Ryan Gosling’s abs.

I mean, come on. Even HE is confused as to how his body is that delicious.

Ladies (and gentlemen, for that matter), if you expect to attract this level of crispy, sexual, high-class swag-manship, you can not run around wearing just any old tribal print, “abstract” jumpsuit or burnt sienna, corduroy clusterfuck of a skirt for which Forever 21 is so unfortunately well known.

Below are the top 5 picks from our favorite bringer of WTFuckery that will definitely keep you far, far away from Ryan Gosling’s galaxy of tasty abs.

Lace & Chiffon Top: $24.80

As our first offender, we have what appears to be a funeral doily or the skirt of a Gothic Christmas tree, apparently meant to keep blackened pine needles AND Ryan Gosling’s abs away.

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Sheer Ruffled Button Up Top: $17.80

The ruffles. The peachy, pasty color. The church lady sleeves and odd length. All great if you want to attract 79-year-old men at the Am-vet center. Not so good for attracting 31-year-old abs that made you both cry AND laugh in “The Notebook.”

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Crinkled Metallic Motorcycle Jacket: $27.80

How DARE Forever 21 skin the withered nuts of Floridian retirees to make these things! Will their thirst for domination over the leathery sacks of the elderly never be satiated?

Not okay.

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Lace Bow Scrunchie: $2.80

This scrunchie is a disgrace and quite frankly, I’m ashamed to even have it on the same page as Ryan Gosling’s luscious abs. Not only is it a fucking scrunchie, but it’s covered in lace! As if just the act of being a scrunchie and existing as an item for PURCHASE outside the date of 1986, was not ENOUGH, it has black LACE all over it. And as a final insult, it has a bow on top. If you think wearing an accessory that is practically a historical artifact of fashion is even going to get you in the vicinity of Ryan Gosling, let alone his abs, you’re nuttier than that ballsack jacket above.

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Rhinestone Ring Watch: $12.80

Just because Ryan Gosling has abs so blindingly beautiful they make the sun say, “DAYAM” doesn’t mean you should litter your ring finger with cheap rhinestones and fake gold to compliment them. If you did get close to Ryan Gosling’s abs, all this ring is going to do is embarrass you with a green finger as you rub your trembling hand across his glistening chest. Leave the mini-me mob boss bling at home. Or better yet, in the half-price bin where it belongs, shaming everything else around it.

Forever 21, Stop Clit-Blocking Us.

Nicolas Cage’s Wigs & the Case of the Tacky Trends

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a HUGE fan of actor Nicolas Cage’s wigs.

There exists between the hair pieces and I, a unique and special bond, despite the fact I have never been in the presence of said hair pieces and only admired them from afar, on the big screen or in my personal collection of numerous Nick Cage photo-wig-erotica.

And just as I both love and hate Forever 21, I both love and hate his wigs. I fear and admire them as well as find them to be at once beautiful and grotesque.

So, in honor of this special relationship, and the fact that I just watched “Drive Angry 3D” last night, today’s post will be about how Forever 21’s current worst trends are like Nicolas Cage’s toupees.

Read on, if you dare.