What Not to Wear on Your Fantasy Date with Ryan Gosling

You’ve seen them.

We’ve ALL seen them.

And if you saw “Crazy, Stupid, Love” Friday, you definitely saw them.

I’m writing, of course, about Ryan Gosling’s abs.

I mean, come on. Even HE is confused as to how his body is that delicious.

Ladies (and gentlemen, for that matter), if you expect to attract this level of crispy, sexual, high-class swag-manship, you can not run around wearing just any old tribal print, “abstract” jumpsuit or burnt sienna, corduroy clusterfuck of a skirt for which Forever 21 is so unfortunately well known.

Below are the top 5 picks from our favorite bringer of WTFuckery that will definitely keep you far, far away from Ryan Gosling’s galaxy of tasty abs.

Lace & Chiffon Top: $24.80

As our first offender, we have what appears to be a funeral doily or the skirt of a Gothic Christmas tree, apparently meant to keep blackened pine needles AND Ryan Gosling’s abs away.

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Sheer Ruffled Button Up Top: $17.80

The ruffles. The peachy, pasty color. The church lady sleeves and odd length. All great if you want to attract 79-year-old men at the Am-vet center. Not so good for attracting 31-year-old abs that made you both cry AND laugh in “The Notebook.”

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Crinkled Metallic Motorcycle Jacket: $27.80

How DARE Forever 21 skin the withered nuts of Floridian retirees to make these things! Will their thirst for domination over the leathery sacks of the elderly never be satiated?

Not okay.

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Lace Bow Scrunchie: $2.80

This scrunchie is a disgrace and quite frankly, I’m ashamed to even have it on the same page as Ryan Gosling’s luscious abs. Not only is it a fucking scrunchie, but it’s covered in lace! As if just the act of being a scrunchie and existing as an item for PURCHASE outside the date of 1986, was not ENOUGH, it has black LACE all over it. And as a final insult, it has a bow on top. If you think wearing an accessory that is practically a historical artifact of fashion is even going to get you in the vicinity of Ryan Gosling, let alone his abs, you’re nuttier than that ballsack jacket above.

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Rhinestone Ring Watch: $12.80

Just because Ryan Gosling has abs so blindingly beautiful they make the sun say, “DAYAM” doesn’t mean you should litter your ring finger with cheap rhinestones and fake gold to compliment them. If you did get close to Ryan Gosling’s abs, all this ring is going to do is embarrass you with a green finger as you rub your trembling hand across his glistening chest. Leave the mini-me mob boss bling at home. Or better yet, in the half-price bin where it belongs, shaming everything else around it.

Forever 21, Stop Clit-Blocking Us.