Any hooker knows a cheap looking outfit can snag you a sex partner quicker than an STD can latch itself onto your labia. Tight, short and spandexy seems to the be the rule when it comes to wearing clothes made for getting it on.
And Forever 21 has Spandex in SPADES.
But what about those ladies who want their bits left alone on Valentine’s Day? Those who want their breastessess unmolesteded? Forever 21 has got THAT covered too.
Here are the five clothing items that make Valentine’s Day a practically guaranteed no grope event.
Jagged Waves Knit Poncho: $19.80
Not only does this poncho very successfully hide what some men affectionately call “those titties,” it’s bright and jarring color scheme (used in the animal kingdom to alert predators when other animals are poisonous) will signal to males and females alike that you may be dangerous pray.
Tribal Maxi Skirt: $13.50
Wearing this on Valentine’s Day will most likely get you mistaken for a crazy bag and/or cat lady. Most potential mates with a healthy and natural fear of the homeless will move along.
Unless they’re an Elle Woods fan, most people looking to boink won’t be super excited about a sex partner who is clearly not a giver.
Scratch Harem Pants: $14.80
You see this? This combo right here? It’s commonly referred to as “dick repellent” or “pussy Kryptonite” in dating circles. It also conceals what some like to call “dat ass.” Don’t wear this, on Valentine’s Day or EVER.
Desert Dawn Pullover: $24.80
Look at that sweater. Does that look like the sweater of a woman who is going to get jammed on Valentine’s Day? No. Does it look like the sweater of a woman who is going to EAT lots of jam alone on Valentine’s Day? Yes. The choice is yours.
Forever 21, Why Don’t You Want Us to Get Laid?