5 Things to Wear that Guarantee NO Sex on Valentine’s Day

Any hooker knows a cheap looking outfit can snag you a sex partner quicker than an STD can latch itself onto your labia. Tight, short and spandexy seems to the be the rule when it comes to wearing clothes made for getting it on.

And Forever 21 has Spandex in SPADES.

Exhibit A

But what about those ladies who want their bits left alone on Valentine’s Day? Those who want their breastessess unmolesteded? Forever 21 has got THAT covered too.

Here are the five clothing items that make Valentine’s Day a practically guaranteed no grope event.

1.

Jagged Waves Knit Poncho: $19.80

Not only does this poncho very successfully hide what some men affectionately call “those titties,” it’s bright and jarring color scheme (used in the animal kingdom to alert predators when other animals are poisonous) will signal to males and females alike that you may be dangerous pray.

2.

Tribal Maxi Skirt: $13.50

Wearing this on Valentine’s Day will most likely get you mistaken for a crazy bag and/or cat lady. Most potential mates with a healthy and natural fear of the homeless will move along.

3.

Unless they’re an Elle Woods fan, most people looking to boink won’t be super excited about a sex partner who is clearly not a giver.

4.

Scratch Harem Pants: $14.80

You see this? This combo right here? It’s commonly referred to as “dick repellent” or “pussy Kryptonite” in dating circles.  It also conceals what some like to call “dat ass.” Don’t wear this, on Valentine’s Day or EVER.

5.

Desert Dawn Pullover: $24.80

Look at that sweater. Does that look like the sweater of a woman who is going to get jammed on Valentine’s Day? No. Does it look like the sweater of a woman who is going to EAT lots of jam alone on Valentine’s Day? Yes. The choice is yours.

Forever 21, Why Don’t You Want Us to Get Laid?

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17 Comments

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17 responses to “5 Things to Wear that Guarantee NO Sex on Valentine’s Day

  1. s

    you suuuuuuuuuuuck

    • Anonymous

      That means you have an ugly poncho in your closet and can’t get dick if it was delivered to you on a silver platter in your mouth.

  2. That Poncho may be seen as too discrete in Cuzco…

  3. Anonymous

    such a funny post. i’m so glad i found your site 🙂
    and @aldo LOL

  4. REA

    I live in Morocco and I lack the vocabulary in any language to describe how fucking stupid harem pants are….your blog is amazing. Fuck Forever 21: Keep it up!!

  5. I wouldn’t fuck any of those outfits!

  6. Nicky

    i know i’m behind on this post but i just discovered your blog. I love it. I bought that maxi skirt in a different color. it’s purple and blue and not as outlandishly tacky and headache inducing. i think it looks better in the purple & blue (they are both soft colors) but that color scheme just makes me want to vomit. as does everything else on this post! you are too funny 🙂

  7. Chinita

    I love the ME! top…its amusing
    and yeah forever21 has a lot of ugly stuff but there’s also a lot of nice clothing too…!

  8. Yes Forever 21! Why DON’T you want us to get laid???!

  9. Sam

    I am so glad that I am not the only one who thinks that harem pants are an abomination.

  10. tribal maxi skirt made my eyes water – GROSS

  11. Aldo

    And that ME! shirt repels lesbians too. The last thing you wanna do is try and 69 a chick and read EW.

  12. Colleen

    So scary that these clothes are still being MADE, much less bought and worn! Just one correction (it’s the editor in me, sorry!): End of sentence under the zig-zagged mess should be “dangerous prey” not pray… 🙂

  13. Terri

    LMAO! As soon as I saw that Jagged Waves Knit Poncho, I knew it would end up in its rightful place here on this blog.

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